I’m fond of saying that my spiritual practice is “free game from the universe.”
We are in a continually unprecedented time and facing uncertainty and instability. We have ancestors who have incarnated during other times in herstory that were unstable and difficult who have wisdom to share with us.
Since we have free will choice, we have to ask to be guided.
Five and a half years is a lifetime
I've noticed Candy apologizing for not having more to offer to our group and I always think to myself how much her presence simply is a gift. Even if she didn't have her various backgrounds she's just a kind, thoughtful, present, fun human to share space with.
Welcome back to my series Simple Self Care–invest five minutes (or less!!) in feeling way better.
I’m fond of saying that my spiritual practice is “free game from the universe.”
If you don’t believe in God or the divine mysterious force that pumps our hearts and animates our breath, that’s all good. As with everything, take what you like and leave the rest. Or just skip this post and take great care of yourself!
We are in a continually unprecedented time and facing uncertainty and instability. We have ancestors who have incarnated during other times in herstory that were unstable and difficult who have wisdom to share with us.
Since we have free will choice, we have to ask to be guided. And we have to listen (hello, meditation) in order to receive that guidance. According to A Course in Miracles, Spirit needs only the slightest invitation to help out.
Here are some SIMPLE PRAYERS / thoughts that I turn to when I need help.
Please help me with [insert issue].
Let the lessons be gentle. (We can ask for this and I would encourage you to do so!)
Let this flow with ease.
Let my helpers find me. (Got that from Luvvie.)
Divine Mother, help me give and receive the love I deserve.
Thanks. (A gratitude list is a form of prayer—it’s also a way to orient your attitude and behavior towards what you want more of.)
Wow. (A simple moment of awe and appreciation–I get here a lot in nature.)
DAILY PRAYERS:
This is the daily prayer from A Course in Miracles. I started using it long before I finished the daily workbook. (Probably 2018/2019 and got consistent over time saying this prayer daily for the last 4-5 years.) This prayer has had a profound impact on the orientation of my life and how it flows.
“What would you have me do, where would you have me go, what would you have me say and to whom?”
I follow that prayer up with this: “May I speak from my highest self and connect to the highest self of all others, seen and unseen, today and all days.” I got the sentiment of this prayer from an Agape sermon by Rev Dr Coco Stewart and wrote it to follow my daily ACIM prayer.
IMAGINATION WORK:
Imagine roots growing out of your body and into Mother Earth. You can go as far as you want. Some folks (especially air signs) benefit from planting into the mycelium network. Water signs could benefit from going into the underground water table. (I got those ideas from Robin Doxey.)
Personally, I go all the way to the core of the Earth which I believe is a star and bring that bright light up through my roots and flash my body once to release anything “not of me or for me” and then do it a second time flashing my energetic body releasing anything “not of me or for me.”
Imagine a bubble of protection around you. Set the intention that only good can come into your bubble. (I always fortify my bubble with a crystal and set the intention that only God’s Love can come into my bubble.)
Some people like to put mirrors all over their bubble. I do mirrors along the bottom edge and set the intention that any harm sent to me be returned to sender.
Here’s a link to a free Patreon post with my daily energetic hygiene practice/visualization. Here’s a link to a free post about why I think energetic hygiene is so important.
OTHER SIMPLE PRACTICES:
Light a candle! It doesn’t need to be special. It doesn’t need to be on an altar space although it can be! And an altar can just be a special place where you light your candle and have a crystal or a tiny cup of water, maybe a tiny plate for an ancestor bite.
Ancestor bites! I give a little nibble of food for my benevolent ancestors (I’m not feeding the mean ones) most days. I give a little sip of tea for my Grandmother on the altar in her favorite cup.
Flowers on the altar! Flowers in front of a picture of someone you love and miss! I usually pick wildflowers or something from the garden. Spent blossoms work, too. It’s always about the intention of the gift.
I think these types of offerings give energy to our benefics in the other world and thus help their messages and influence get stronger.
Ask a crystal to carry pain for you! Crystals love to have a job and when I’m in pain I like to use them to help me relieve pain. I then cleanse the crystal (run it under water with the intention to cleanse the energy) later once I’m through the pain.
Rosemary plant by the front door/gate for protection. I like to put a quartz to amplify the protection.
I hope some of these practices/prayers help you out! There are lots of “smells and bells” that go along with prayer—my friend / psychic Chrissy Tolley says “choose your fighter” for who you direct your prayers to. I typically direct to the God energy but might also send it to my whole “Spirit team” or name Jesus because sometimes I need Jesus.
I often end with “And so it is” or “amen” or “So may it be” and that’s all up to you. I think the only wrong way to pray is to be mean about it.
If you’d like to learn more from me about how I have woven spiritual practice and self care to great effect for my mental/emotional/physical well being here is a list of all the Spiritual Self Care lessons available on my Patreon membership! Or you can buy the collection instead of a membership!
Thanks for reading my blog post! To receive an email every time I post a new blog or podcast, subscribe to my Substack!
If you find value in this blog, please consider supporting!
Patreon.com/fkdp (you can follow for free and get updates and freebies from me!)
Venmo: @bevinb
Buy my aerobics video! fatkiddanceparty.com/video4pack
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share
Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party
Instagram: @fatkiddanceparty @bevinsparty
Work one on one with me: https://queerfatfemme.com/one-on-one-with-bevin/
Podcast: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/show/bevin (Search “Bevin” on Spotify or Apple Podcasts)
You Tube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/SelfCareParty
Blog: queerfatfemme.com
Substack: bevinsparty.substack.com
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db
Buy anything on Amazon using this link to go to their website and I make a 3% commission on anything you buy! Costs nothing extra to you and cuts into Jeffrey’s profits just a lil bit. https://amzn.to/2PQ52A9
Threads, Tik Tok, bsky.app/, Twitter: @bevinsparty
Like/subscribe/review/send a link to a friend! It all helps!
When I was prepping to leave Los Angeles in October 2019 I kept telling myself I could come back as often as I wanted. The savings in rent alone, going from $3K a month (plus wild Los Angeles water/electric/trash to the tune of about $350 a month) to $500 all in out here in the lesbian woods seemed like I’d have lots of money to travel back to visit all the time.
Then the quarantine hit, did to my income what it did to a lot of folks and I was just grateful to be in a beautiful place with private forest access that didn’t shut down.
The intense uncertainty of that time hasn’t ended for me, but my capacity to handle it has been incredibly fortified through consistent therapy, and spiritual / personal development.
I was finally able to return to Los Angeles for the first time since November 2019 this past July 2025 and it was what I expected it to be for me. Emotionally cathartic and spiritually deep.
Travel during a mercury retrograde can be a cluster of poop logistically. However, travel to a place with deep emotional herstory and unfinished business is benevolently assisted during a mercury retrograde. It’s a supported time for review and reflection.
A leadership development group I’m a member of switched the location of our summer seminar to Anaheim from Las Vegas and I considered just going in and out of Santa Ana. But Spirit nudged me to route my travel through Burbank (my favorite So Cal airport by a long shot) and consider doing an in person aerobics class.
I say “consider” because sometimes Spirit insists I do things and sometimes they tell me that this opportunity will unfold in a way that aligns with my desires. We all have free will choice as earth incarnated humans. My intuition has a 100% success rate, in hindsight. So, now, I listen.
Free game from the Universe just for settling my nervous system and connecting to my intuition.
When my Zoom regular Marlene attended class for the first time in awhile and I asked her if she’d attend an in person class her enthusiastic “Yes and I’ll bring a friend!” told me this was something to pursue.
I booked the dance studio, my first time teaching in a real dance studio in a long time, and put the word out.
Arriving in Burbank (early!! the travel was so seamless even with a layover!) the nostalgia was strong.
I spent so much of 2018 touring my aerobics class via that airport that it felt so natural to be wheeling that same suitcase across that same carpet.
I did not anticipate how much pet grief was going to come through during this trip. As soon as I got off the plane there was an ad with an orange and white cat. There used to be a pet clothing boutique where I would impulse buy my Shih Tzu Macy fancy robes for her golden years. I flew with her in a stroller once at that airport and it was reallllly fun shopping for her at that lil stand.
As soon as I left the airport building these two crows started hollering at me. I am a friend to all crows; Bevin, in Gaelic, means “the girl who sang so beautifully the crows stopped to listen.” This felt like a gorgeous welcome to town.
When I parked my rental car in Toluca Lake to have brunch with beloved teacher and friend Leah Garza I found a crow feather right behind my car.
Since I was early for my brunch plans I decided to just head to my old neighborhood in Eagle Rock. It felt so natural to go from Burbank back to the house I have loved the most of all the structures I have lived. The place Macy’s ashes were spread because it was also her favorite place we lived.
I started crying leaving Burbank as soon as I saw that the Jacaranda trees were blooming their sticky purple blossoms.
I deeply grieved cherry blossom season in New York City when I relented to my ex’s pressure to move with her to LA.
It didn’t occur to me there would be more frequent and diverse flowering trees all over Los Angeles. Jacarandas are my favorite!
My beloved Grandmother taught me to never park under a flowering Jacaranda because “It ruins your paint, dear.” A neighbor’s Jacaranda ruined my friend’s pool filtration system. Agents of chaos!
I was only at my old house for five minutes. The neighbors behind the house had chopped off all of the branches on their side of the ancient enormous Torrey Pine tree behind both our houses in 2019 when I was still living there. The energy of that insane mutilation jarred me at the time. I was sort of expecting the tree to fall down but I understand more about tree resilience now.
The old house looks the same but with better fencing and a bunch of rose bushes. The tree is still mutilated on the backside.
I suspect someone (my old landlord’s kids or someone who purchased from them) turned it into a two family dwelling based on the number and types of garbage bins outside.
I had a lovely brunch with Leah Garza solving all the problems of the world (not really she always leaves me with more questions than answers, her mischievous Aries face when she’s about to burst a bubble is my fav of her adorable faces.)
Leah’s been on my podcast three times, lovely thoughtful reality bending conversations.
Episode 109: What Even is Reality
Episode 133: Make the World Better by Becoming More YOU
Episode 155: Desire, Disgust and Dyads
I took my shoes off on a patch of grass, stopped to smell some gorgeous rose bushes and a guy walking by asked if I had a you tube channel. I had to pause because I don’t identify as a you tuber but actually do have a you tube channel. Lol. What an LA question.
I sat in traffic for two and a half hours to make an otherwise hour long trip to Anaheim, got to my motel and passed out.
12 hours of sleep / rest is so restorative for me especially after missing sleep. I had a wonderful seminar, got to see a bunch of people I love, these wild flying chrome green beetles and eat In N Out. During a break from the seminar I found a tree and some grass and did some stretching.
I’m grateful I’ve released the idea I should care what other people think of me moving my body in public. Grounding is such a vital part of my wellness.
Sunday I ate breakfast at Denny’s. I haven’t been to any Denny’s since my ex and I had our last conversation, a fight. My ex hated fighting in public she was so embarrassed by it. But she wanted me to sign a document promising that as soon as I make more than $200,000 a year I owe her $50,000. I’m still below the poverty line all these years after I released my law practice to follow her out to California; because I would not be manipulated that time she doesn’t get to benefit from my career transition.
It was interesting to me how Los Angeles felt different than being in Brooklyn after we broke up the first time. I had lived in Brooklyn for four years before we dated but those first five months infused so many spots haunted by the energy of our unfinished business. That break up was hard. The LA break up, after we had been engaged, was different. More like an uncomfortable awareness I had been ignoring was revealed to me.
In hindsight after a lot of therapy I can see how things were over for me as soon as my ex took my emotionally abusive boss’ side when I chose to leave the gym where I started Fat Kid Dance Party aerobics. My body clearly broke up with her long before she broke up with me. I felt emotionally unsafe with her and my brain couldn’t understand what was happening because trauma brain compartmentalizes and lies to us.
I had been curious how it would be to return to Los Angeles. It was more about me and my experience in a town that wasn’t my first choice but I fell in love with anyway.
I have missed my people and the food most of all.
Since there was no traffic coming back from Anaheim—it was just a 50 minute drive—I had time to stop for iced tea at the Dunkin by my first LA house (the one with the avocado tree, RIP).
There aren’t Dunkins near me now. Another East Coast beloved. What a miracle that it opened while I lived right there.
I walked to the park down the street from that house and visited with a tree who had spent so much time with me and Biscuit Reynolds and Macy. Boy do I miss those Muppets. I practiced my line dance for aerobics class in spite of the other people in the park.
Again, grateful I don’t care about people watching me move in public.
I taught my aerobics class. I sold enough tickets to cover the space rental and I got to dance with four folks from the early days and two new folks. It was the sweetest homecoming.
Sonya and I went to Korea town for Kimbap. (There’s a reason in Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown his first episode is Korean food in LA’s Korea town.) Kimbap Paradise looks sketchy and has a B rating from the health department but the Kimbap was delicious! Sonya got enough to enable me to taste various types and take some home. The dumplings slapped.
Four hours later we walked to Echo Park, then went to Leo’s Tacos while the sun set and they were so yummy. Iconic taco truck tacos.
Up at 5:15AM for my flight I stopped at a mom & pop donut shop for a maple bar. SOOOOO delicious. There is NOTHING that compares to California indie donut shop donuts! (Out here in the woods we mostly have grocery store donuts.) Three of my favorite LA foods within 13 hours was a delight.
This trip felt like closure? I firmly believe we create our own closure, and I didn’t feel like anything was open. But if/when I get the chance to go to LA for work opportunities, I won’t feel a need to visit my houses.
I will feel a need to eat in Korea town and get a taco from a great truck. I will probably nostalgically miss my pets, which I do every day anyway!
Thanks for reading! To be notified by email when I update my blog and drop podcast episodes please subscribe to my substack!
If you find value in my blog or my work existing in the world, please consider supporting me! I am an entirely crowd funded artist and the work I create today and paying for my internet archives is because of the support of readers like you!
Patreon.com/fkdp (you can follow for free and get updates and freebies from me!)
Venmo: @bevinb
Buy my aerobics video! fatkiddanceparty.com/video4pack
Amazon Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1SJCL864DDKEH?ref_=wl_share
Tee shirts: https://genuinevalentine.com/collections/fat-kid-dance-party
Instagram: @fatkiddanceparty @bevinsparty
Work one on one with me: https://queerfatfemme.com/one-on-one-with-bevin/
Podcast: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/show/bevin (Search “Bevin” on Spotify or Apple Podcasts)
You Tube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/SelfCareParty
Blog: queerfatfemme.com
Substack: bevinsparty.substack.com
Email list: http://eepurl.com/dyX3db
Buy anything on Amazon using this link to go to their website and I make a 3% commission on anything you buy! Costs nothing extra to you and cuts into Jeffrey’s profits just a lil bit. https://amzn.to/2PQ52A9
Threads, Tik Tok, bsky.app/, Twitter: @bevinsparty
Like/subscribe/review/send a link to a friend! It all helps!
There’s a woman I’m in community with, I’ll call her Candy. She shows up to our weekly gatherings and her presence and participation is such a gift. I find her fun and delightful. Typically we don’t come to community with our resumes in hand and tell everyone what we’ve got going on, but we do have a segment of our gatherings for offerings, invitations and requests.
I sense from what Candy’s shared over the months that she is a studied yoga teacher and has many modalities of spiritual practice and teaching she has offered over the years, but presently is in a healing/rebuilding stage in her life. That was certainly me when my life felt like it fell apart and I moved up here to the North Pole to simplify and heal after my gay divorce.
I’ve noticed Candy apologizing for not having more to offer to our group and I always think to myself how much her presence simply is a gift. Even if she didn’t have her various backgrounds she’s just a kind, thoughtful, present, fun human to share space with.
I facilitated our circle once and she virtually crawled in saying she was surfing the crimson wave and had so little energy, but her presence right next to me was quite reassuring even with low energy during menstruation.
All of these thoughts have sparked me reflecting about how I don’t need to be perfect to show up. If my blog over these past 16 years has a theme it’s about recovering from perfectionism.
I noticed on my Land there’s always so much leftover after our potlucks we’re begging people to take food home with them. In the past few healing years I’ve boldly shown up to potlucks even when I didn’t have time to make something to contribute. (Most of the folks here are retired, I’m still working.) I find myself welcomed and enjoy the chance to connect with neighbors.
I have some friends who host community meals. Their food needs are so specific that it’s hard to make something to contribute unless I have a lot of time and grocery money but they actually don’t need or want meal contributions. I check in about what I can bring but mostly they just say “yourself!”
Mr. Rogers said “The best gift you can give is your authentic self.”
In these last few healing years I’ve learned the value first hand of simply showing up and letting my honest self be what I can offer. More when I can!
I look back at the pace of my life prior to 2020 and I wonder how I could have managed to override my body so thoroughly. It’s like once I got up here to the North Pole (after 20 years in Los Angeles & NYC) with affordable rent and deeply curtailed my cost of living (there’s freedom in frugality) I got to nourish and heal from burn out. I think I’ve been burnt out since I was 7 years old.
I heard a tweet “Maybe you’re not burnt out; maybe your body is just done being exploited.”
For a few years I got caught in a deep vulnerability/cringe response about blogging because so much of my archives were written before I learned more. I’m always learning! Having compassion for every version of myself has been such a challenge. I’m getting to a place where I trust that what I’ve shared was honest for me at the time and hopefully when / if it reaches someone I have tools and wisdom to offer them from that honest version of myself. I probably got some stuff wrong and that’s okay. I’m gonna keep learning and getting better and more compassionate.
Even being a Deadhead has taught me about imperfection–Jerome John Garcia (known as “Jerry”) screwed up on the lyrics to Ripple during a show I was listening to from the 70s and it just made the show that much more special and unique.
Anyway, the joy I feel when Candy shows up has me reflecting on all the ways we bring value when we are willing to show up as our imperfect, human selves.
Community means you keep showing up. If you want community you need to BE community (Myleik taught me that) and that means we all get to be imperfect, together.
If you’d like to receive an email each time I update this blog, subscribe to my substack!
If you find value in this blog, please consider supporting!
Patreon.com/fkdp (you can follow for free and get updates and freebies from me!)
Venmo: @bevinb
Cash App: $BevinBoss
FIND ME WITHIN THE WORLD WIDE WEB:
Instagram: @fatkiddanceparty @bevinsparty
Podcast (Search “Bevin” on Spotify or Apple Podcasts)
Threads, Tik Tok, bsky.app/, Twitter: @bevinsparty , Facebook
Like/subscribe/review/send a link to a friend! It all helps!